The Table of Condiments…

That periodically go bad.

Stephen, based on the chemical composition of Re(Relish), M(Mustard) and K(Ketchup), I would have to estimate that Ru, known as RUSTUP in layman’s terms would have an average shelf life of 7 months, so you are cleared for takeoff, Chief.  Maybe grab a pickle jar and stock up down in the caf?

 

Don’t worry… all you vegemite, Nutella, and aspartame-lovers are covered, as those *unidentifiable* condiments made the list, too. Check out the Table of Condiments to check the shelf life of your favorite sandwich toppings!

Salad Fail.

Stephen… I now know why you refuse to put lettuce on your salad like the majority of civilization.

Got Milk?

I was watching CNN yesterday (The World News Leader) and I saw a story that got me all fired up. The story revolved around milk that comes from dairy cows and the hormones that are given to the cows so they produce milk. The main theme of this story was how these hormones could cause health issues. Here’s where my head’s at on this one… That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time. As a former farmer, I can tell you that these hormones have been used for years. I have had milk straight from the cow my whole life and you know what? I haven’t grown an extra pinky or anything.

Here’s the worst part… At the end Dr. G goes (the following is a dramatization)… “Well we don’t have any concrete proof that horrible things could happen to you and your family if you drink milk.” Oh, well in that case thanks for taking 3 minutes of my life that I won’t get back. And let’s not kid ourselves, in another 27 years, Dr. G will come on TV and say… “Funny story, remember how I said milk was evil 27 years ago? Turns out that we actually need it to survive and not break on contact… My bad.”

So with that said… How many of you are really “worried” about this? I hope it’s none and I encourage you all to keep drinking your milk (And none of that 1%, 2% or skim crap). After all, at some point if we fall down we don’t want our bodies to shatter due to a lack of calcium…

Do shaved carrot peelings count as a condiment?

My answer, of course, is absolutely not. Stephen Russell’s answer is, of course, hells yes! During the last few lunches, I have carefully observed Stephen’s behavior during the sandwich preparation process, in order to better understand why this young lad might confuse carrots for condiments.

Around 12:05 (Stephen always works late into the lunchtime hour), young Russell pokes his head up above his cubicle wall, reminiscent of a noontime game of Whack-A-Mole, when he detects the fragrant aroma of Lean Cuisines and Jordan’s chicken patties wafting from the kitchen microwave.

My lord springs to his feet, snagging his cuisine compilations from the stinky fridge to quell his grumbling stomache. The usual sandwich suspects include: sub roll, ham, a tomato, cheese and the item in question: peeled baby carrots.

Now all of these items would be delectable sandwich compliments, were it not for one glaring fact: Stephen uses a knife to shave said peeled baby carrots to line the inside of his sub roll. These are not carrot strings, my friends… nor are they thin orange slivers of carrots, carefully shaved from the vegetable with a peeler. These carrots are merely a shade of their former selves, tricked into believing they will serve a greater purpose… maybe reach a new level of sandwich-dom. But no, these carrots will never serve the purpose of a true condiment: protect the creator from choking – the ultimate dry sandwich debacle.

Let me know your thoughts. Do you trust carrots to keep you safe, as one trusts ketchup or mayo?

Nobody likes a dry sandwich.

It has come to our attention that certain members of the RPG community have no problem eating dry sandwiches – as in piece of bread, breaded chicken cutlet, piece of bread. You know who you are…

Could be a choice to live on the edge? Fearlessly braving the possibility of choking on an arid, anti-condiment sandwich?

Could it be a bad experience with condiments in the past? Rancid mayo? Clumpy mustard? Coagulated ketchup?

I’m going to put it out there… a sandwich is just not a sandwich without a condiment companion. It’s like Batman without Robin, Pinky without the Brain, bacon without eggs, Cody without red hoodie! Just plain unnatural…

Now to hear your thoughts… how do you feel about the dry sandwich? What are your condiment solutions? How do YOU feel about RUSTUP and the fact that Stephen Russell double-fisted a grilled cheese and dinner roll today at lunch, washing it down with a ramen-like chicken noodle broth??

From This Day Forward It Shall Be Known As…

Many of you have heard of my delicious recipe that combines three condiments that I truly enjoy. Until today, the name of this recipe has not existed. I’m here to inform you that the combination of mustard, ketchup and relish has an identity… And that identity is Rustup!

For our visual learners, I have attached a graph below on how the concoction is created. Please enjoy.

…

RUSTUP

Stephen… Out!

Ready for another week

Y2SR (10:59:41 AM): I see you have a blank slate for this week’s lunch log…  Good, because today will be quite a show

Y2SR (10:59:47 AM): I didn’t eat breakfast

I regret to say that I missed an entire week of lunchtime shenanigans and dietary greatness. But another lunch has come and gone… and Stephen is still alive and kicking. Thank God.

The Incident

You know what really grinds my gears?  When you go to a restaurant and the experience is disappointing.  Allow me to elaborate…  Last night I go to a fine establishment (the place will go unnamed to protect the innocent) and I was excited to order one of my favorite meals, a chicken chimichanga.  I explained to my crew that I always think about getting other things at this place, but I just can’t.  The chimi is too delicious to pass up.  Plus, their is no feeling worse than having an alternate meal and realizing half way through that you’ve made a mistake of epic proportions, but I digress. 

So, my meal arrives and let me tell you, it looks fantastic.  Much to my dismay, I cut into the treat and it’s a beef chimichanga, yeah a beef, not chicken, chimichanga.  Don’t get me wrong, I ate it, but I wasn’t as happy as I could/should have been. 

My solution is simple, put in place a system of marking meals that’s near flawless.  Perhaps cooking the chimichanga’s on opposite sides of the kitchen? 

Stephen…  out!

Lunch Log – Week of 2/24

Monday 2/25: Monstrous chicken parm calzone; large clam chowder

Tuesday 2/26: 4 Wendy’s Dollar Menu Sandwiches (One being a stack attack, so 5 patties in total)

<— Stack Attack

Wednesday 2/27: Meatball grinder with cheese; french fries covered in spaghetti sauce, and also dipped in “Russell Secret Sauce”

Thursday 2/28: 6 Stuffed shells; turkey sandwich; leftover salad; bag of Funyuns

Friday 2/29: (Leftover Chinese Food) 3 chicken fingers; chicken lo mein; margherita pizza

Is Russell Athletic?? One thing for sure… he’s the man.