Do shaved carrot peelings count as a condiment?

My answer, of course, is absolutely not. Stephen Russell’s answer is, of course, hells yes! During the last few lunches, I have carefully observed Stephen’s behavior during the sandwich preparation process, in order to better understand why this young lad might confuse carrots for condiments.

Around 12:05 (Stephen always works late into the lunchtime hour), young Russell pokes his head up above his cubicle wall, reminiscent of a noontime game of Whack-A-Mole, when he detects the fragrant aroma of Lean Cuisines and Jordan’s chicken patties wafting from the kitchen microwave.

My lord springs to his feet, snagging his cuisine compilations from the stinky fridge to quell his grumbling stomache. The usual sandwich suspects include: sub roll, ham, a tomato, cheese and the item in question: peeled baby carrots.

Now all of these items would be delectable sandwich compliments, were it not for one glaring fact: Stephen uses a knife to shave said peeled baby carrots to line the inside of his sub roll. These are not carrot strings, my friends… nor are they thin orange slivers of carrots, carefully shaved from the vegetable with a peeler. These carrots are merely a shade of their former selves, tricked into believing they will serve a greater purpose… maybe reach a new level of sandwich-dom. But no, these carrots will never serve the purpose of a true condiment: protect the creator from choking – the ultimate dry sandwich debacle.

Let me know your thoughts. Do you trust carrots to keep you safe, as one trusts ketchup or mayo?